America’s Next Top Model: Fatima Forgot Her Passport

Previously – Claire acted a douche, and got bounced. Dominique talked about Dominique. Lauren has no qualms about snapping on you and drinking coffee out of a wineglass. She also walks like a horse.

Wow, it’s been two weeks! Last week was a re-cap show, so I take the night off and think about my OWN career as a model. It’s suffered since I started recapping this show. I’ve had to turn down all sorts of offers. Ingrates!

Whitney talks about how there’s seven left. She can’t believe Claire went home. Lauren feels like she accomplished more than she “ever dreamed to.” Her dream was to express all her punk rock anger on national television and she did it. God save the queen, Lauren! Now gob at me!

Stacy-Ann eats fruit and wants to push herself. That fruit will push something. Dominique’s talking about going abroad. Which means she ain’t. Fatima is a dumbass; she lost the document that lets her leave the country. She only has a green card. Dumbass could get kicked out by default. And by dumbness. She’s crying. Did you know this when you signed up, Mastermind?

More ANTM, after the jump!

Anya is all Fatima graduates(!) and gets all albino sympathetic in the confessional booth. Paulina shows up and she looks better than any of these bitches ever have. Paulina’s here to show the girls how to best showcase themselves. Her advice? Wear a lot of black, look pale and act rich. Ok, she didn’t say that but that’s her effect on me. Paulina playacts a party in which she’s “Miss Dubois” and the girls have to impress. I’d impress her by showing her how much champs I can consume. Ok, I guess I’m not a model.

The girls act like this is some sort of sitcom and Paulina’s character is being played by Edie McClurg. Ok, I’m not even sure what that last sentence meant. The girls are all terrible; Katar-something Polish acts like a waitress. Better than a hooker.

Paulina then acts like if The Insider hired a Ritalin-deprived child as a reporter. There’s a lot of bouncing and exclaiming. We learn Fatima sleeps in the nude (I didn’t need that), Dominque likes talking about Dominique (ok, you knew that) and Whitney knows her curves. Whitney deduces there will be some sort of interview challenge. That girl is either brilliant or she’s watched this show before. It’s like Mensa broke down outside and came to use the phone and discovered a diamond in the rough. Get her a #2 pencil and that test. She’s ready.

The girls make pancakes and Lauren chops her thumb open. It’s got to be pretty bad because the producer comes on camera to take her ass to the hospital. The producer is a big star this episode because he’s also the dude to tell Fatima that her dullard ass won’t be leaving the country anytime soon. Fatima talks about how things don’t “look so good” and I’m thinking what doesn’t look so good is her mottled face. Was she attacked by bees or a jellyfish or Cocoa Krispies?

Whitney’s all Lauren doesn’t know how to use a knife. She’s such a bitch. I might love her. The girls received lemons and limes from 7-UP. You have now arrived at your 7-UP product placement. I retrieve my love from Whitney when she starts flogging the “it’s hard to be rubenesque” line again. This is not a new concept. She says she’s working her large ass off. Hasn’t happened yet. There’s some perky chick here to give them dresses.

The girls get glam, but Fatima’s still stank over her not being able to flee the country to go on go-sees and yell at cab drivers. They have a totally fake red carpet for this 7-Up event. I know this because the only celebrities are Paulina and husband Ric from the Cars, Mr. Jay, Ms. Jay and Nigel. FALSE. Jay Godfrey (the designer) is a short little hottie. Some blonde interviews the girls on this play red carpet.

Dominque totally forgets the designer who made her dress when asked and calls him “Jay Giorgio” which is my barroom alias. She should have just gone for it and said, “I made this dress. I’m Dominique. Remember that name.” Lauren threatens to kick the girls’ asses to the reporter. I find threats of violence always work on the red carpet. That’s what Jennifer Garner should have said to Gary Busey.

Whitney’s boobs are falling out of her dress, and Paulina was right – she does act like she’s up for Miss USA. Jay Godfrey has them working the room like those women who go to Japan to work gentleman’s clubs and eventually either find a rich husband or a watery grave. Lauren chats up Paulina’s husband Ric about bands.

Anya works the room in front of Ann from Seventeen. There’s no need to impress her, she’s kind of like a bank teller. Actually, a bank teller is more glamorous. Ms. Jay sips champs in a Bedazzled hoodie. I hope he gets crunk and tells someone to die. Whitney is talking about Texas and walks away and Nigel cuts her ass up. No fatties here!

Nigel finds Lauren to be a little more at ease. Stacey-Ann lets everyone in the room know she’s from Miami. Seriously, she sounds like she’s from the tourist board. She thinks she has this challenge in the bag, so at one point she’s on a dais showing off her dress. Settle down, Squeaky. Paulina notes this and drips irritation into her martini. Ok, Jay Godfrey might be too short and annoying for me. I take it back. Anya wins it. Whitney finds Anya to be stupid. Whitney’s sort of a sore loser. Sort of. Just a bit.

Anya gets to do a 7-UP photo shoot. She gets $10,000 from 7-UP. Bitch got paid. A little. She makes the mistake of telling the girls when she gets home. Stacy-Ann is jealous. Her voice gets even squeakier when envy grips her throat. Seriously, did Fatima get leprosy before her confessional?

They put a clown wig on Saleisha so she can talk about voting. Dude, she can’t get hired ANYWHERE. ANYWHERE. What do people hate hobbits so much? Bigotry!

Fatima has an appointment at the travel consulate at 9 AM the next morning. This is good, because the girls are going abroad. Dominique makes her bid to take over the role of the Joker from Heath Ledger in the next Batman movie by putting all of her makeup on at the same time and giving us a frightening interview about packing. Ok, this is weird because the Fab Cab takes them to an airport and it’s like 5 AM and Fatima’s appointment is at 9 and bitch has no papers.

They are not going abroad, they’re doing a photo shoot featuring them catching a plane. HAH! FACE! They’re working in extreme cold, and Mr. Jay is not happy that Fatima is leaving to go get papers because she’s a “refugee.” It’s freezing and they have to stand in front of fans. Modeling is a nightmare. Mr. Jay is trying to talk to the crew about how the different girls are doing but everyone is so cold that they’re like “f*ck you, wrap this up!” Fatima got her travel document. Damn.

And it’s crazy because the girls are sent into a hangar to get their luggage. And it’s PANEL! AAIIEEEHHHHH!! Is there anything scarier than Tyra jumping up at you in an airplane hangar accompanied by a girl prettier than her, a crazy queen, and a snotty pussyhound? Oh, and Tyra notices that Fatima isn’t there. Hold up!

Fatima rolls up. Tyra is unhappy. And starts threatening her ass. Whoever isn’t eliminated is going abroad right from the location. By the way, the Seventeen cover of Amanda Bynes is bizarre. Is she swelling? Fatima weeps during the judging. They developed those photos quickly. Katar-something Polish tells the judges she was going for a snotty look and Nigel tells her that she does it well. She obviously walked away when he came to her, penis in hand.

Stacy is told she’s a fake ass. She’s going home. Whitney’s shot makes her look plus-size to me. Nigel tells Whitney she didn’t impress people at the party and she looks for an axe to decapitate him with. Ms. Jay has been waiting to say “missed your flight” for the entire judging.

Stacy is so going home. Ms. Jay infers that Dominique looks like a man. If anyone knows, it’s her. People feel that Stacy’s jaw won’t save her ass. I think Anya might win this. Wow, can I not pick em’. Fatima is looking like the homeless girl who’s here for the line-up. Stacy knows she’s going home and is weeping about it. Save those tears so Tyra can drink em’, Stace. That’s her nutrition. Yep, Fatima’s going home. Tyra talks to Fatima about responsibility. I’d rather Ri-Ri Harvey yell at me then Tyra. And you don’t get Ri-Ri mad.

And where are they going? Tyra and the judges get on their private jet. The girls are going to Rome. This is so fake. If not, I hope there’s a crash.

Next – Fatima gets sick. And Dominique can’t speak Italian so it’s a shame that the people of Rome won’t be privy to know as much about Dominique as we already do. Because she’s told us about herself. Repeatedly.