America’s Next Top Model: The Three Monkeys

Previously – Mad Dog Marvita got sent home, and took my heart with her. Big Whitney’s got a big personality. Oh, and her best friend is black. And Dominique…well…Dominique…and then Dominique.

Marvita, did you leave me a blunt and a .40? I hope so. I need something to remember your ass by. This show is empty now. Couldn’t you have at least pistol-whipped Big Whitney or Dominique or (most definitely) Fatima before you left?

The girls ride home from judging in the Fab Cab, and people start kissing Mormon Aimee’s ass. They’re in awe of her skin? I can barely even recognize Aimee. She just kind of blends into the cab’s interior.

Lauren is still lacking confidence, and it shows in panel. Claire talks to her husband Matt about their daughter. Her teeth are coming through and she will never forgive her mother for running off to lick Tyra Banks’ ass during her formative years. Claire pumps breast milk in her bunk bed every night. It’s like something out of a home for unwed mothers in the 50s! She cries while she does it, especially because her milk is starting to dry up. Having to look at Dominique’s aged drag face every morning would dry up anyone’s breast milk reserve.

More ANTM, after the jump!

By the way, Claire’s on a Sprint phone. SPRINT! SPRINT! Claire says that it’s hard to live with some of the other tramps in the house. Case in point: Dominque’s alarm clock. Does it talk? Who is saying “get up, get up?” Anyway, Claire chews her out for waking her up at 6 AM when they don’t have to be up until 7 or something. You should be getting up to work on your three C’s poses! Lazy bitch. By the way? Dominique in the morning? Not some you want to see over bacon.

Claire lets her have it and starts dropping F-bombs on her. Claire ends up calling her “a shady bitch”. HAH! She may look like hippie Julia Stiles, but she won’t save the last dance for a shady bitch. Dominique must be working nerves, because weird albino indistinguishable accented Anya gets involved, no? She tells Dominique to tell Dominique to take responsibility for her alarm clock.

Dominique’s got Claire’s point, thanks. I’m waiting for Claire to hurl cereal at her. In Dominique’s defense, she looks almost human with a little make-up on in her latest interview clip.

Aimee’s remaining neutral, but who asked her? She feels like she’s the most mature in the house. The girls gather around the breakfast table to torment Dominique. Big Whitney’s here, so you know she’ll wild out. People get into it over husbands, and lack thereof. Yeah, Claire’s no hippie. Claire might look gentle but she’ll school you. She says that she has asked Dominique about her alarm clock numerous times but it wasn’t until she got nasty that Dominique actually listened to her.

All hell breaks loose when punk rock Lauren is told by Dominique to “stay in her place”. Dominique better keep in mind that Leatherface is Lauren’s cultural touchstone and she might not want to end up on a meat hook. Big Whitney chimes in and tells Dominique that she belongs in the trash. Dominique better hire some security. Dominique notes that it’s like “Christmas” for the three girls and they’re trying to make her feel bad. Lauren actually gets on a chair, elevated by her anger, and is BELLOWING at Dominque. I guess this alarm clock was really loud, huh? Lauren ends up screaming that Dominique is “F*CKING CRAZY”. I YAM AN ANTI-CHRIST! I YAM AN ANARCH-ISSST! Dominique is hurt, and makes a phone call to her Mom. Ten bucks her Mom says “And how is Dominique doing today? Dominique, can you ask Dominique?”

Dominique begins crying over all the hatred directed at her. Shit, figure out how to set your alarm clock correctly and it will blow over. Dominique feels that she isn’t out to get anyone. By the way? Sprint! SPRINT! SPRINT! Tyra turns out to be their Fab Cab driver and claims that she’s been driving the whole time. That’s actually kinda funny. Tyra, you crazy. Stacy’s voice makes my testicles curdle. Tyra tells them to go upstairs and get dressed. The girls scream. Hey, no one said it’s going to be Chanel or anything.

And it’s dance clothes. Lauren is nervous because she can’t dance. Tyra is here to teach them about the three-second rule? To pull out? Wrong show. No, the girls are here to learn to stop at the end of the runway for three seconds to allow photographers to snap pics and to show off “their fierceness”. I heard that we were onto “ferosh” now. But Tyra doesn’t follow trends, she makes them. Or recycles them. Whatever. Tyra leads the girls in a mass runway walk. Until Tyra fakes that she sprained her ankle. She’s an actress. The greatest actress of our time. Anya practically crashes through a window to find Tyra an Ace bandage and some ice. Oh oh, it’s time to “pose with pain”. “Think pain, but beauty”. Isn’t that kind of the foundation that this whole show is built on? Well, the “pain” part anyway.

Tyra leads them through various types of pain. She should just use a Taser. When she gets to “menstrual”, I feel myself wanting to crash through a window right after Anya. Tyra marvels that they “do period pain so well”. Duh. Tyra goes buckwild on “sprained ankle”. It’s like Emily Rose is here.

Tyra leads a pose-off. Anya reminds her of the girls “she used to model with”. Are they dead now? Did you take them out? You mean Elaine Irwin could have a talk show right now and not be living out on a farm with John Mellencamp? Bitch better leave Indiana and come get hers! I don’t think Stacy knows where her inner thighs are. Men must hear the voice and not even go there so she’s unaware of that area. Aimee is giving a B+ but Tyra wants an A. Aimee’s going to be on the first covered wagon back to Salt Lake City. And no, I don’t mean an uncircumcised penis.

Tyra was shocked and amazed by Dominque’s “high fashion” calves of pain. Katar-Polish something can squat at the club with the best of them. Lauren can’t do hurt palms. Slap Dominique a few times to get that sense memory. Lauren guarantees us that if we’re in front of Tyra Banks, we WILL blank out. She’s right. As soon as I see Tyra smile with her eyes, I will go completely catatonic due to supermodel at work dazzle.

Tyra wants them to feel pain, but to also hear music. So…Daughtry? Anya is so unintelligibly excited when she wins the challenge. Tyra Banks is much too important to actually show up in person to tell Anya that she won a photo shoot with Nigel Barker. So she relays the info via the Tyra Mail machine. And…is a photo shoot with Nigel really a prize? He works here. It’s like me winning an instant message chat with Lisa Timmons. On second though, my every workday is a prize! Love you, Lisa!

Anya takes the Fab Cab all by herself to Nigel’s bedroom…I mean studio. Nigel’s all dawg, so I’m waiting to see if albinos get him hot. I guess so, since she’s going to be posing on a bed. And she’s going to be nude. HAH! I can’t believe Nigel convinced Tyra to help him out getting pussy. I think she has flesh-colored panties on so it’s going to be sorta challenging for him.

Anya goes home and the revelation that she was naked on a bed sends Aimee into a nudity shame spiral. Aimee’s mom was a hot Utah piece back in the day. Total 80s queen with crispy bangs but cute! She literally says, “your body is a temple, you shouldn’t be naked”. So do you have to have sex through button flies and holes in sheets? How does it work? How do you shower?

Dominique is sick. She has a migraine. And the other girls are having a laugh fest. Round 2! Big Whitney starts re-telling the story of their fight with Dominique this morning. This looks like a total director set-up. Why are these three exact girls sitting on a couch together? Anyway, Big Whitney refers to Dominique as “What’s Her Face” and I think that’s a howl because if there’s one name we should know, it’s Dominique’s. She only tells us her name every other minute.

Dominque rolls over and it’s Faces of Death. She tells the girls to talk trash about her somewhere else. She also tells us that they are “monkeys”. Dominique tells Claire to leave and Claire gets sorta third grade and is like “maybe no!” She notes the lack of respect between them. It gets really dark when the three of them sit there and keep tormenting her. Claire REALLY doesn’t like her and it shows. What the hell was Dominique doing to these people to deserve such hatred? Punching their grandmothers?

Saliesha actually does something relative to modeling. She tries out for New York Fashion Week. And, uh, I don’t think she made it. These Cover Girl stories with Saleisha are amazing because she is not making it as a model! They’re like Cover Girl failure stories!

I realize that Fatima hasn’t said anything randomly shitty this episode. It’s like they’re giving her a breather. The girls go to Williamsburg to “embody styles of music” for their next photo shoot. What? Russell James looks like he dressed as Kurt Cobain for Halloween. Fatima loves dressing like Axl Rose joining KISS.

Katar-something Polish is emo. I’d much rather look at her than Conor Oberst. Lauren is pop, which is a howl because she lives the punk lifestyle. I don’t even know what that is anymore. Her face doesn’t bleed, and I don’t think her Converse smell. Lauren tells us that she spent her whole life avoiding pop. Does this mean we can’t be friends?

Claire’s country, and she’s certainly got the first part down this episode. Dominique says that “the monkeys” want to be like her. I’m starting to see why they have such an issue with her ass. Dominique is folk and she looks like teenage Cher right before she got raped and killed by the guys in Last House On The Left. I need a picture of her on a t-shirt or as my Mac wallpaper or something.

Anya is punk, and it’s like Siouxsie Soux’s sidekick or a hooker from Bachelor Party showed up! I LOVE IT. I would have liked a Wendy O. William’s thing instead but this is sublime. Stacy is rave culture or some crap but she describes herself as “the little house girl” so I hope she doesn’t go blind or marry Almanzo. Aimee is R&B. Not a good fit. Big Whitney is grunge. She’s so buoyant about her life. She’s just confident and doesn’t care. I admire that in a plus size.

Everyone discusses their shoots back at the loft. Surprisingly, no one’s put arsenic in Dominique’s Crystal Light, yet. Tyra’s record executive photo looks like she got half her face severed. It’s weird. Panel! Where’s Ms. Jay, I missed her ass. Paulina looks amazing. Mr. Russell James has to be wearing a wig. That mop looks like hay. Nigel, what is “the grunge mode”? Suicide? Unemployment? Sex to a lot of guitar feedback and droning? Ms. Jay loves Fatima’s “broken down doll marionette legs”. He loves the broken down dolls. If I wanted to get him an Xmas present, I would give him a doll with its legs almost twisted off. But not quite. That, or a girl who can actually runway walk that he doesn’t have to scold.

Anya is told to “favor the light” by Tyra. Thanks, Auntie Gina. I love Lauren, but she keeps taking the same photo. And it’s a striking photo, but it’s the same one. Paulina wisely notes that it was hard for Lauren because she’s so damn punk. Ms. Jay asks Lauren to act like she’s actually into the competition. Poor lil’ country mouse, Lauren. Just stand on a chair and scream at people more! Aimee’s sucked.
They like Katar-something Polish’s hair in her emo photo so much that they might actually cut it. Claire is told that it was her worst shoot ever. Ouch. Dominique’s photo is making me so happy. Is there a poster? Aimee is called “bad Vegas”. Double ouch. Who’s going home? It’s either Claire or Aimee. Go back to your three husbands, Aimee! The jig is up! Claire promises that she will actually smile next time. You’d better get happy or get out, Julia Stiles!

Next – Big Whitney’s “big” isn’t working for her. And Lauren’s ready to spit a punk rock loogie on Fatima.