America’s Next Top Model: THAILAND!

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(Due to a Tivo sanfu, this recap was slightly delayed. Enjoy!)

Previously – Brooke got cut, and hopefully got her ass jumped back home for that “go back to Africa” comment. Joanie got defanged, and Tyra felt that Danielle should bridge her gap.

I think Tyra is a complete douche nozzle for this insistence on Danielle “fixing” her teeth. What if someone had made her yank her hairline down early in her career? And cover that forehead. Huh? Huh? Do you think that would have increased her chances to appear on Fresh Prince of Bel Air looking like a Salt-N-Pepa backup dancer? I don’t think so!

Back in the discoball room, Jade, Furonda and Nnenna re-enact a typical judging. Laugh now – because some of you are not going to be receiving a glossy at the very end, bitches. Jade and Nnenna have become friends. Furonda is working her shit through the house, long-legged and luscious. And her arm appears to be working, so I think we can cancel the telethon.

Danielle drops some knowledge on me in the form of the word “jank”. Can I use this word? Is it ok? Because it sums it up. Danielle’s trying not to worry that her gap might look “jank”. I need a haircut. I must look jank. Shit. That eight head bitch Tyra actually told her flat out that Danielle isn’t marketable with a gap. We live in a world in which a closeted cult leader has auditioned actresses to be his girlfriend, brainwashed and impregnated one with sperm that is SO not his, and is now going to keep the baby and toss her traumatized ass out into the street after forcing a gag order on her – and his movies make 100 million dollars. ANYONE can market ANYTHING.

The girls meet with Rachel, who runs a PR firm. She looks like a very spiritual lesbian. She’s here to show the girls how to interview. As an example, she grills Nnenna about grindin’ on the male model with the wood. Nnenna fails to keep her shit together. Ok, so George Wayne – columnist from VF – rolls out. And this is the diva that asks B-list on the way to A-list celebrities kind of Howard Stern-esque questions about themselves like if they can fart on command and such. And gets away with it because Jolie’s on the cover, toting Zahara and Vanity Fair is Vanity Fair. He’s here to make potential model girls cry. And he starts off by telling Jade she looks like an arrogant bitch, and does she think she’s Nina Simone? Brava, Georgie, brava.

He goes on a verbal shooting spree, insulting everyone and asking Danielle to spell “cantankerous”. And he tells Joanie she’s not sexy….and he’s an obvious ‘mo because drunks girls are ALWAYS sexy.

Nnenna wins it, even though he told her this is not the “Miss Universe” pageant. Which it isn’t, so enough about the family back home. I mean, really, we had a girl on whose parents were still trapped in their car under water with a building on top of them and she still showed up for work and didn’t talk as much about it.

The thirteen year old in me chuckles when Sarah says “I think that Danielle now sees her gap as something that makes her unique…” because I’m puerile. And when Danielle says “…you close your gap or you go home…”. Oh lordy, I should be beaten. My beautiful Snow Black calls her Mom for advice. Mrs. Snow Black is obviously a fan of the show because she cites previous cycles as a reason to comply with Tyra’s wishes. Sepia tone to the crying girl from Cycle Whatever whom Orange Julius spit on and kicked off his set because she wouldn’t cut her hair shorter. First off, hair grows back (usually). Filed and manhandled enamel DOES NOT. She LIKES her gap. This would be permanent. Do not kiss the ass of the Banks. Her talk show is like Oprah’s suck your dick for some crack cousin who just left the newborn baby in the dumpster.

(Sorry, Tyra’s annoying me this week and she’s hasn’t even popped her enormous melon into the episode, yet.)

Danielle goes back to the hot dentist (I like teddy bears.) And gets her gap closed. It isn’t closed all the way so good for her. Just enough. I’m going to grow up now and take my meds and get over it.

Sarah’s desire is being questioned, still. And it’s really bothering her. That’s kind of the storyline. She doesn’t even drop the “f” bomb or call another girl a bitch. The boyfriend tells her she needs to go “the extra mile”. Oh my god, they’re going to get married and be the most boring family ever. Until she meets her ex-boyfriend from sophomore year unexpectedly and has a glass of wine with him and remembers how she loved the way he looked when he was rowing, and how they might have seen the world together if she hadn’t gotten so mad about his pot smoking and broken up with him. And she realizes if he asks her back to his room (he’s in town on business and she didn’t tell Jeff she was meeting Gary and pretends that she doesn’t know WHY she didn’t tell Jeff) she’s going to say yes. Gary never made jokes about her height or doesn’t think being on America’s Next Top Model cheapened her. What? Oh, sorry. Extrapolating. Back to the show.

The girls go to dinner and they get a drag Tyra. It’s their makeup artist. Then Tyra comes out. And there’s some fakeness. And they’re gonna settle it by going to THAILAND! WHOOOOO!!!!!! Uh, wait. Hmm. Thailand? Ok. Danielle: “Forget the gap, sucka. I’m goin’ to Thailand!” Thailand’s Tourism Bureau better latch onto that slogan before Nepal grabs it. Tyra rattles on about how amazing Thailand is fashion-wise.

These girls are so excited about Thailand. On second though, travel is exhausting but good for the soul. And they’re leaving the house for good. I wonder how much free shit and light fixtures Jade can fit into her bag.

In Bangkok a pink dragon van picks them up and I want this ride. It’s hot. Joanie is trying to learn Thai because she wants to make a good impression because she could “possibly work here in the future”. Yeah, if white slavery is a job description. Sober up, Joanie.

The show loves to crack on the girls. We’re informed through text that Furonda doesn’t realize her 3,000 baht is only equivalent to 77 American dollars. Oh shut up, the bitch was excited and didn’t check the exchange rate. She’s been spending her days trying to win asinine contests and being photographed in freezers and carrying roaches. Fer chrissakes, it must be wonderful to be so goddamned perfect, huh ANTM producers? HUH? HUH?

The hotel room is hot. It’s all hardwood and I want to saunter through it. Nnenna and Jade go to the spa and Jade’s hairline is going the way of mine – straight up. The two of us are verging on Tyra. And the OTHER girls have to help Nnenna and Jade with their massages and spa treatments. At one point, Danielle and Sarah are supposed to fill their baths with flowers and Snow Black just dumps her tray in all annoyed and falls asleep. Heh. And Joanie and Furonda have to massage these two bitches. Ewwww. Damn. Nnenna is hot (for a woman), but Jade…yikes. And it had to be weird for them too, getting massages being all naked and their competitors feeling them up. And when Jade was on her back, her beautiful Jade mystery was only hidden by some flimsy toweling. Eeeek! Poor Joanie could have fallen in!

Furonda doesn’t appreciate Joanie telling her how to massage. She just wants to go home and “wash her finger”. If you saw the episode you know what she means. If you didn’t, you’re wondering just what kind of massage was taking place here on America’s Next Top Lipstick Lesbians In Thailand. (Hey, it’s smoother than America’s Next Top Best Friend)

Pink dragon van, and photographed with fish! Orange You Glad I’m Only In A Couple Of Scenes pops up. The girls are getting hoisted up out of water as mermaids. Oh, and BANANNA BOAT IS AN AMAZING SPF! The product placement on this show is almost but not quite as bad as that two-hour long AOL commercial Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan did. The photographer looks like an American Idol contestant, and I giggle when Jay introduces him to the girls and he says “yeah, hi” all annoyed like they’re taking time out of his busy schedule for this silliness because he’s an ARTIST.

Danielle is just full of sound bytes. “If a piranha is going to be biting on my neck, I’m gonna be a mad sista.” Who wouldn’t be? Or “my uterus is probably flat as a pancake right now.” God I hope she wins. Or I just hope she ties with Joanie. I think it’s such a howl that Mr. Jay sits up in his booth, fanning himself and yelling commands at the girls. Let him dangle his ass in a backbreaking harness over water in a mermaid costume! Pervy bitch probably already has!

Nnenna bites. Jade channels that “wonderful, isn’t it fabulous” persona for this one and I have to admit she sometimes makes me like her. Sarah’s hair looks awesome all spiky. I keep hoping she can win one. She’s beautiful and has that icy blonde thing going on. She sorta kills in that last couple of shots. Sarah is turned off by Furonda’s attitude. Furonda is “showing the pain”. Joanie takes a tip from Furonda’s Pantene shill and tells the makeup artist (and us) about all the Banana Boat products she owns. I hope to Christ they at least gave her a free bottle. Joanie’s nauseous because she drank a lot of coffee and now she’s over a fish river. Ugh. Her boobulars are almost falling out. All the Thai women who have to float in the river as “local color” applaud when it’s over. You know they hate this tired American bullshit.

Jade tells Nnenna that the world would be very “upset” if they left and got voted out. Oh yeah? Heh. There would be rioting in the streets.

Judging. Tyra’s all Josephine Baker. And Jade was Nina Simone. Everyone just needs to be himself or herself. If you put my forehead beside Tyra’s you could play hockey. Ms. Jay is still crazy Gidgety with some straight ironed pigtails and dementia glare. Twiggy is wearing green crushed velvet and smiling as if by gunpoint. The girls have to talk about themselves to the judges. Joanie acts her usual intoxicated self, complete with hand gestures. Jade is good at this because she’s Jade and Jade is everything. None of the girls sound anything close to coherent. Ms. Jay isn’t having Nnenna’s monologue and makes a cutting motion. And readers, does anyone notice that it looks like Danielle’s gap RE-OPENED? What’s going on? And apparently Nnenna’s dream is to attack the Nigerian embassy. I know this because Tyra is listening and has that expression bank tellers have when they are trying to calm a gunman down but still reaching for the alarm button under their till.

Photos. Joanie’s photo is hot. I think she’s in it to win it. They rag on Jade’s judging outfit and tell her that she looks like an old lady. Nigel Barker’s Mystic Tan is looking blotchy. Furonda’s arm is back to paralyzed and apparently her “womanly space’ was hurting in the harness. Uh, thanks for that. Oh, and her little black dress is too dressy for the competition. Nothing ever satisfies these twats. Twiggy loves that Danielle is “country”. Twiggy is scared of Jade. Twiggy is full of opinions on this one. Ms. Jay has prop crickets to reflect his boredom of Nnenna. Thailand is full of fun gadgets.

Apparently wearing a “disco-dress” to the judging is a mortal sin. Some of the shit these judges wear, glass houses and all.

Nnenna’s gone. She was looking bright in the beginning, But then she got found out. Arrogant and boring. Now it’s time to pack your shit and return home to be murdered by your psychotic boyfriend.

One Word Summation:

Furonda: Pained

Joanie: Funny

Danielle: Best

Sarah: Trying

Jade: Nnenna-less

Written By J. Harvey