America’s Next Top Model: The Ugly Side

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Previously – Aswirl! Brooke tried to bludgeon Nnenna with her shovel mouth, and Leslie got her duck booty sent back to Arizona.

Back in the kingdom of faltering hope, Joanie is getting a little uh, up on herself with how good she did during the krumping shoot. Joanie, don’t let your head grow as big as your snaggle fang now!

Nnenna is STILL dealing with that crazy boyfriend. Furonda says Nnenna needs to solve her boyfriend problems, and I think Furonda needs to rinse that weave they gave her. Admittedly I know nothing about female African-American hair care but to the untrained eye it’s hanging limp and lifeless. And dirty.

The girls have to deal with the unfortunately named Deprise, an actress posing as an agent who gives the girls demeaning personal critiques to test their resolve. Nnenna looks like a “transvestite”. (Heh.) Joanie looks “old” (heh.). Brooke comes across as a little “masculine”. (Ouch…oh, and heh.)

Everyone’s concerned about how Miss Jade will handle Deprise, but Jade must have smoked some extra special weed that morning because she takes it all in stride. Her Polaroid wins it and her and Nnenna will be receiving a prize.

Deprise calls Joanie and Danielle out about the state of their teeth. Danielle is sticking with the gap, thanks but Joanie’s learned to hide the snaggle as much as possible.

Back home, there are large gift boxes moving about. What are in these boxes, Jade testifies dreamily to the camera – stoned out of her tits. Jade’s mom pops out of one, she cries. Out of the other? Nnenna’s crazier than a shithouse rat boyfriend John! Surprisingly, none of the girls react to this danger. I’d be running for that door, screaming my head off like I was in Jurassic Park or some shit. He is massaging her head and he is a fucking freak. He looks like the kind of guy who might have a tiny deformed twin brother attached to his side. Nnenna looks like she wants to kick Tyra and her producers in the balls. Hard.

The recap continues, after the jump.

Post-ad – Nnenna’s John looks gay as hell. Nnenna tries to play off kissing Vaughan the boner model. Gay Crazy John isn’t having it.

Mr. Orange tells a story about stealing his sister’s dolls as a child (shocker), and they even use a family photo. Supposedly it’s him and his sister. But you know the little girl in the bikini on the left is him, the little boy on the right is his brother and his sister ain’t even in the picture. He was orange back then, too. What the hell was this mother smearing on her children?

By the way? PANTENE PRO-V GIVES YOU PERFECT HAIR. Must they have the most plasticky person on this show do the plasticky product placement and plasticky advertising? It just makes it shittier. I’d much rather see Ms. Jay laugh her way through this shit, or even an earnest attempt by Twiggy and those rawhide bladders of despair on her chest.

The girls are going to be dolls. And when they told Furonda she was going to be a rag doll, all I could think was good goddamn choice. Because she looks like she rolled off the back of a truck this morning and forgot to brush herself off. She looks like the shambling lady who once asked me what time it was in the subway station and when I responded that I didn’t wear a watch, called me a fucking Nazi and told me all Germans should be killed. But she’s trying. I like Furonda. They give her a lot of shit because she has an original look which might mean she ain’t pretty. To them, anyway. But she’s persevering despite her paralyzed arm.

Furonda knows where it’s at because she makes sure to comment that the Pantene Intensive Oil Spray gives her hair “a really nice shine”. I doubt there are any residuals around here sweetie, just shattered dreams.

The Pantene ad madness gets so bad that they start describing every single Pantene product they’re using and I’m about this close to shutting this bullshit off because I’m here to watch teenage girls self-destruct not to be sold hair spray, motherfucks! And I’m so glad Nnenna doesn’t have hair to use as an alibi for more Pantene shill. Fuck, they’ll probably whip out the Pantene Bald Skull Gloss for this bitch and if that happens…I’m going to go catch up on Big Love.

Nnenna finally hits the wall, and I know it was the wig. She wasn’t a fan of dolls when growing up. They tell her to think about John back at the house to evoke some happiness. To the contrary, thoughts of John evoke terror.

Tyra is sending the girls to a dentist, and she’s going to fix Danielle’s gap (teeth, you perverts) and Joanie’s fang. It’s chokeworthy because it turns out Joanie never got her fang removed because her family couldn’t afford it. At first I thought she was crying because she wanted to keep it for softening meat or scaring car jackers, but no she wants it gone.

Joanie testifies that this is something she’ll never forget and it’s definitely going to change my life. Yeah, probably because you’re going to be in pain for the rest of the show and not know how to smile anymore because the whole layout of your mouth will be different. Cue Jade laughing wickedly and rubbing her hands together like Oil Can Harry.

Danielle is staying with the gap. Like I’m staying with my one man-boob. Don’t ask. Good for us.

Most of the girls get off easy with a free teeth whitening and then they RIP JOANIE’S TEETH OUT FOR 12 HOURS. Literally. And Danielle has to hold her hand the entire time? Like at one point was she like, Joanie, girl, you ain’t dying or nothing and I’m here for you, but damn I need to get some sleep! And we cut to Joanie complaining to the camera that she was in the chair for 12 hours and her teeth look fucked up cause they filed em’ and she is not happy. I wouldn’t be either.

Ok, and I usually don’t mention this but that boring bitch Nicole pops up in one of those damn Cover Girl ads and she is such a yawn and how the hell did she win? I wish Nik would come strolling up and beat her with a chair.

Nnenna testifies that she was happy to see her boyfriend because he really needed to see her which means she could give a shit if she ever sees him again. Methinks John might want to logon to Yahoo Personals and perhaps post an ad titled “Neurotic Closet Case Seeks Foreign Girls”. Nnenna says he hasn’t taken her out of the competition for a moment because she misses him. John might want to double up on the personal ad and explore and Eharmony while he’s at it.

So we’re off to Club Mood and Janice and Eva Pigford are rubbing up on the guy who runs Ecko. And this is so the models can learn about the ugly side of modeling – which is basically Janice. Stop there. Lesson learned. Thanks, Janice. And they replay Eva’s win and whatever happened to that tiny man with the dog? Janice is posing with purses and not dressing age appropriately. She’s so crazy I don’t want to have her baby

Eva says be confident, and fake it if possible. I agree. Janice talks about the dark side of modeling, and says the ugly side of modeling exists. And it’s right here, sweetie.

She weaves a tale in which getting drunk at a runway show and falling into Sophia Loren’s lap severed a potentially lucrative contract she had with Valentino. What she meant to say was snorting PCP, shoving her face in Sophia Loren’s lap and TRYING to sever anything on Valentino with the razor in her purse when he wouldn’t front her money for some hash bricks soaked in formaldehyde wrecked that contract.

Tyra feels glamour can have an ugly side, so she directs a photo shoot. Which is getting her ready to direct an episode of Ghost Whisperer. She uses a “tear stick” to get the models to cry. It hurts. Danielle’s like – what is this you put in my eyes,Tyra? She will fuck you up, pull you down and kick you in your slats, Tyra. I hear it in her voice. *sigh* I love my Snow Black.

Nnenna has some kind of emotional breakthrough as a result of the fake tears. They become real ones. Maybe they finally granted her the restraining order.
Joanie gets capped. She looks good. I’m happy for her but I still think it was the wrong time and we’re going to end up with some weird mime faces as they force her to smile and she doesn’t know how. Mark my words.

Judging. Tyra’s doing this weird banana curl thingy with severe makeup. She looks like a tanning bed accident. Miss Jay looks Gidgety.

Twiggy is still flogging the “photo-GEE-nic” pronunciation. They’re not gonna put it on a t-shirt, you dumb bint. Brooke is so out of here. Twiggy tells Brooke that she wants to come and shake her and then adds but she won’t as if Brooke was alarmed. Brooke could deposit the Twig in her shovel mouth and grind her into leather dust powder.

They strong-arm Danielle with the gap question. Tyra and Ms. Jay basically tell her that there is no way in hell that she can be a model with the front gap. Is this true, I ask seriously? Aren’t flaws on a model supposed to be hot? Lauren Hutton? The chick with the big dragon tat on her shaved head? There’s two, right? *sound of crickets*

Jade starts crying and goes on about dealing with pain and EVERYONE’S eyes start rolling and the judges stop her DEAD in her tracks, they are not buying it. Where did this come from? This bitch just keeps shooting herself in her presumably hammer-toed foot.

Ms. Jay tells Sarah that she could have put her arms up during her doll shoot but that is the exact opposite of what Orangina told her which was you don’t see dolls packaged that way. The show is built on giving these victims conflicting advice! Sarah should just lash out with one abnormally long arm and smack Nigel Barker in his melon. This is a very violent recap tonight.

Final judging. Tyra says Danielle needs to get her gap closed. I could suggest a few things on Ms. Banks that should be closed as well, ahem.

Bottom two. Jade – “I wasn’t being fake…” *fifteenth consecutive eye roll in regards to her this evening*

Later, Shovel. Her krumping photo was hot, though.

One Word Summation:

Jade – Fake
Sarah – Fading
Furonda – Progressing
Danielle – Gap
Joanie – Cap
Nnenna – Stalked

Next week – Sarah’s desire is in question, and Danielle minds the gap.

Written By J. Harvey