America’s Next Top Model: Posers

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Previously – The kewpie doll hit the road, and hopefully the law offices of James P. Sokolov were contacted after Tyra began snapping models’ ankles.

Gina’s crying some more. Jade is mean to her, and it’s getting to her and insecurity insecurity insecurity and scene! Brooke doesn’t like her pictures and is worried that they’re “judging her”. Well, duh. You’re on America’s Next Top Model and there’s the whole “judging” portion. Is she new?

Nnenna’s boyfriend is sending her short films of himself so she won’t dare to forget she’s his. This is going to end with Nnenna on fire because if he can’t have her, no one can. Frankly, he looks a little…helmet-wearing. How did he bag this woman? Granted, her Beautiful Queen of the Free World shtick is sorta wearing on me. Perfection is a little boring. But, she is beautiful and bright and charming. Was she his mail-order girlfriend? Is that the arrangement the father made when he shipped her ass over here?
Nnenna thinks he might be controlling. Cue the boyfriend in a blonde fright wig sitting in a sink with no panties on telling Nnenna that he’s not going to be ignored, Dan.

Danielle Pinky Toe Watch: Still swollen. Damn you, Tyra!

Nnenna reads the latest Tyra mail, which asks them about their favorite position, ‘snicker’. Considering Nnenna’s behavior later on, this is some beautiful foreshadowing. At this point though, the naughty phrasing is lost on them. None of them are really slutty. It’s disappointing. Really, they are so segregated from men on this show that they don’t have the chance to throw their legs in the air. Unless you’re Kim from last cycle. You know that guy was scoring. “I’ve never been with a girl before…this is so new.”

Enter a ballroom, where several artists are sketching a jauntily posed figure in a black trench coat with her back to the girls. She turns. Damn, what the fuck is that husk? Oh wait, it’s Janice Dickinson. Furonda thought it was a man. Believe me, she gets that a lot, sweetie – no harm, no foul. Janice holds her “posing class”, where they learn the difference between editorial and commercial posing. And assisting Janice is none other than our favorite alcoholic bitch LISA! And I didn’t call her that; I’m just repeating what a drag queen from last cycle referred to her as. Lisa’s hot, she’s a lush and doesn’t mind acting like an idiot for kicks. Janice and Lisa throw a lot of elbows at each other, mugging for the camera. I’m just glad Lisa’s not a mess drinker in a dumpster somewhere and has sort of a job?

Anyway the difference between editorial and commercial posing is that editorial posing happens in magazines like Vogue and commercial posing is when your Mom got those weird little catalogs with smiling posing women advertising “wiglets”. “Wiglets” are like a semi-wig…not quite like extensions but more like a kerchief with bangs attached. The entry in the catalog always said it was great for “running to the grocery store”. Yeah, a quick run to the grocery store with a floral kerchief on your head with fake bangs. If I were the cashier, I’d call security. God, I wanted a wiglet.

Anyway scary alligator Janice earns Botox/Xanax money by terrifying the girls. The girls laugh nervously at everything she does, as they wait for her to go Naomi and beat Lisa with a cell phone. Janice talks about a posing technique called “wadding” which supposedly has something to do with folding your hands over your stomach while you pose but I’ve heard other definitions of “wadding”. But this is a family website, so I digress.

There’s a question and answer session, which leather purse Janice comments on later. She opines that Brooke looked like just she rolled out of bed and I gotta go with the “very first” supermodel on this one. She looks sorta bedraggled. Once again, Gina is humiliated by being stupid enough to tell Janice she can’t take a convincing photograph so Janice makes her …I can’t even write about it. Then again, if I don’t – some of you might suspect Janice made Gina put on a donkey show or something. Janice thought she needed to lighten up and made her hop on one foot while laughing. It was just excruciating. Gina makes me feel my own low self-esteem, which makes me, swallow large quantities of pills and worry about losing my job and oh god, am I being too obsequious to the account reps? Eww, I’m gay male Gina. I’m going to slap a salesperson for her tomorrow. She’s just a sad ass bitch. Jade informs us that Gina has obviously lost her mind because she was wearing a cloth around her body, pink panties and incorrectly deciphering giant initials back at the house…oh wait, that wasn’t Gina. Hmm, who was that?

Gina says that she felt really stupid and she knew that Jade was loving it. Gina is starting to sound a little paranoid.

Our ladies go for sushi, Janice shows up…looking fantastic, and asks for a beat to dance to and for someone to spank her. So a typical Wednesday night for Janice. Jade says she’s on the same level as Janice and that is not a level you want to sink to. Janice calls Gina over and there’s even more horrifying humiliation for Gina as conniving troublemaker shit-stirrer Janice asks Gina to rat out who is causing her trouble at the house. This was a dick move on the part of the producers. Of course Gina thinks that Janice is here to comfort and protect her and points out Jade. Jade is either a convincing actress or spaceship crazy because she looks shocked as hell. This is when Janice turns on Gina and says you never rat out your bitches. Ouch. Twat. What a mess. With that, Janice takes her leave – there’s a pharmacist somewhere who she has to tell to suck her dick because he won’t fill her illegal prescription for liquid morphine.

Gina has a get – this – roach off me breakdown in the van on the way home. Danielle, correctly figures that Gina has let Jade in her head and…wait, what the hell is that on your head, Danielle? What’s that bedraggled fur? You are Snow Black! Fix your hair to look like it!

Anyway, Gina and Jade finally face off. And it’s anticlimactic. Gina felt like she did….ok. Oh god. At least Nnenna was happy about it, it let her off the hook as peacemaker. Now she can move on and grow grain in the desert for the starving people of the world.

The next morning there is this weird Special K product placement, as the models get ready. They meet up with this old hag male model that makes them pose in different seasons for a Sears catalog-type shoot. Nothing of interest really happens photo-wise. In one of them though, Jade looks like she’s missing a chiclet. Gina’s paranoia is proven correct when Jade tells Joanie that Gina’s poses are “cheesy”. So my bad, Jade is really a douche and Gina didn’t get it all “twisted”.

Nnenna wins, and people are tired of that shit. Can’t Nnenna at least have a harelip or be bad at math or something? Her prize? She gets to keep the Sears wardrobe. Is this a good thing? She’s so excited that it’s cute. Obviously, she came from a rough place and had a lot of hardship and a boatload of free clothes is rad. But to a spoiled American like me – that’s a lot of polyester to cart back home. Anyway, Nnenna’s cool. I can’t deny it.

Nnenna comes home with her Sears catalog winnings and has to endure her bf that has gone full throttle creepy. He’s on the phone basically reciting every cliché from a “stalker” story arc on the O.C. Nnenna just hangs up on his ass. Which was necessary.

Tyra brings the girls to the set of her talk show. She wants to know what the girls see themselves doing after or if modeling doesn’t work out. Jade says she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Hee Hee. Picture a classroom full of arrogant five year olds with blonde Afros.

And of course, the girls then have to be photographed as their aspirations with some male models thrown in for sex appeal. Jade did this weird teacher thing, which advertised pedophilia, and like Danielle, I would home school my children before I let her near them.

Danielle, singer, LOOKED AMAZING! Nnenna and her model basically get after it, and Mr. Jay makes kind of a weird racial comment to Nnenna about acting like “a savage”. Yes, she’s African, we get it. Don’t get weird, and get over it. No one has made any slurs about Oompah Loompahs.

Nnenna’s model apparently got aroused and Joanie made a joke about him pitching a tent. “And not the kind you can camp in” or whatever. Joanie sounds like a goddamn drunk at the end of the bar who is insisting to drive home. I think her one snaggletooth is affecting her speech.

Nnenna’s boyfriend found out about the photo shoot and hangs up on her. Hopefully he went to go leap off a bridge or ensnare some other immigrant to our country who isn’t in the know about how North America produces a particular brand of spoiled neurotic stalker. And Nnenna cries! Or laughs. I couldn’t tell.

Judging. They make them strike three poses with a firefighter’s outfit on. Gina just…oh god, why bother – you know. They all rank on Nnenna for her photo shoot chemistry. Tyra simulates an orgasm and it’s actually funny. Jade acts all demure, but Tyra has that bitch’s number. Because she says we “don’t know what she doin’ at home”. Well Tyra does, but they want to keep Nigel Barker in the dark because he’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve to know anything or be privy to any info. More Furonda abuse – because Ms. Jay thinks she has a head like a light bulb. Which takes Tyra back to a bad place where her family called her lightbulb head. You know they regret it now when she’s cut their asses off. Showed them! Nigel doesn’t have any Furonda is an alien comments this time, mostly because he’s picturing using Twiggy’s pigtails as reins. Perv.

Well, they finally kicked Gina’s idiot ass. I can feel good about myself again. Jade hugs her while grinning broadly. Gina says that not everyone will like her no matter how friendly she is. This is true, sweetie.

Next week – Jade crosses Furonda, and someone collapses. Hopefully Nigel Barker

Written By J. Harvey