American Idol: Paula’s Wicked F*cked Up Edition

Previously – Carly Smithson got bounced, and it’s all because of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Does anyone else hate Phantom as much as I do? So a chandelier falls, big effin’ deal!

Oh, the moment you have been waiting for all season has come. Paula Abdul reclaims her throne as the highest ho in the land. I seriously want to get to writing that paragraph right now, but I’ll wait. It will be hard, though. I’ve even enclosed a clip of Paula’s drunk ass with this recap. I will tell you when to watch it. It will be interactive fun! Oh, and it’s Neil Diamond night! What did I do to earn this love?

Seacrest is yawping about how people might lose their cool. Brooke White is so demented; she’s like grinning at the camera. She’s almost, but not quite, taken over Kristy Lee Cook’s territory. Rita Wilson’s in the audience. She always represents Hollywood Wives to me. She doesn’t have to do a damn thing except show up for charity events in Beverly Hills and look reasonably attractive. She acted in like two films right? Met Tom Hanks, and secured her future. Do you think she sleeps with the pool boy? Sorry, but aren’t we all influenced by the glamorous tales of Miss Jackie Collins?

More Idol, after the jump!

Seacrest taunts Carly Smithson by having the audience yell hi to her. Hopefully Carly’s had enough pints so that she will leave whatever Irish pub she’s drinking in, get in her Toyota Yaris, drive down to the studio, and punch Seacrest in the mouth. Those Irish like to fight when they’ve had a few. I can say that because I’m Irish and it’s completely totally true. Have you been to Boston? Come visit, I’ve got a spare bedroom.

Seacrest introduces the judges, and it’s our first taste of exactly how many vodka tonics Paula has in her Coke cup. For real, her hair is piled on her head, she’s wearing this odd-colored dressed that’s shaped like the wrapper you get chocolates in, and she’s closing and opening her hand in some sort of imitation of a wave. Like when toddlers do it. Oh, and her eyes don’t know where to focus. Oh, it’s going to be a HELLUVA night. If Neil Diamond is here in person, I hope Paula gets caught in his sparkly shirt fringe and drunkenly screams for help.

Simon knows Paula’s fucked up. He needs to fix that hair. He looks like a Dick Tracy villain. Christ, each singer is doing two songs. Here comes the Neil Diamond retrospective! Jesus, he must have someone actually make those shirts. Why does that song he sings about coming to America always make my nipples perk up? It’s so stirring. I hope someone sings “Love On The Rocks.” It’s such a hot number.

Neil’s old now, and welcomes the singers. He doesn’t wear the sparkles off-stage. Brooke White is kissing his old ass. Siddown, Brooke! The singers will be judged after their second song. Take note of this for later, because Paula gets it all sorts of wrong. Ok, she gets it all sorts of high and drunk. Jason Castro’s high ass messes up the songs in front of Neil Diamond. Neil probably tells him to lay off the devil weed in a private moment. He’s probably like “listen, kid, you’re beautiful but I knew Hendrix and fame can be one cold bitch!” Jason Castro does a nice tiki lounge version of “Forever In Blue Jeans.” One of the violinists is blind. I think that’s so amazing. I can’t even strum a guitar and that chick is sightless and playing Neil Diamond on her fiddle.

Jason can’t wait to get off stage so he can pack a bowl. This is so gross, but does anyone else get a weird incest vibe from Meatloaf and the kid in that Go Phone commercial? When the kid bites his lip and stares his dad down, I feel like Law & Order: SVU needs to get interested in this.

David Cook’s still here. Seriously, he can leave right now and go make his millions. He’s wearing a little too much Hot Topic tonight, but it’s Idol there’s probably a contract in there somewhere. Dave’s getting a little cocky because he asks Seacrest how HE prepared for Neil Diamond’s glamorous presence. Does Seacrest even interact with the mentors? Doubtful. Some of them probably sign on only after they’re assured that his dullard ass won’t be allowed to speak to them.

Seacrest tells some story about when he was a kid and got molested in a station wagon or something. Next! Neil Diamond meets David Cook. Cook is signing two songs that Neil thinks people don’t really know. Oh, Neil, you write the songs that make the whole world…oops, wrong dude. Neil gets goose bumps. David walks off having soiled himself. Dave’s playing the guitar on this one. He’s doing fine, I guess, but I want to fix that hair. I’m getting tired of the sticky cockatoo bit. But for real, he can just tell Simon to blow him now, he’s going to he HUUGGGEEE.

Brooke White wants to know if Neil is a hugger or a hand-shaker. Hopefully he’s a Macer. Cuz’ she’s a crazy bitch. Neil Diamond wants her to name drop Arizona when she sings his song because he doesn’t want to be identified with her in anyway. Remember when this chick was normal and doing well?
Brooke sings “I’m A Believer” with a total look of panic on her face like she’s performing in a concentration camp, and if she doesn’t do well and make the commandants smile then she’s headed for the oven. For real, it’s painful. She can’t even bob her head like a sane person. Standing and playing guitar is not her deal.

By the way, Paula is so F*CKING DRUNK! She’s standing and dancing during this! Awkwardly. “Straight Up” was so long ago! Simon must be like “god, I wish this slapper would sit down or pass out.”

Seacrest is in the audience, and we get to see a woman holding a sign about how her husband wants Seacrest. Not only is his ass gay and married to a woman, but also he has bad taste. David Archuleta’s gay, dopey third grader hyuck hyuck High School Musical 6: Bitch, We Old ass is laving on Neil Diamond. He’s love Neil’s advice on his songs. And he’s singing one of the worst songs of all time, “Sweet Caroline.” I’m sorry, I have been in too many barrooms and seen far too many bar bands break out that one and I’ve had about enough of that bitch Caroline.

Neil feels he’s uncertain about how to end songs. Just stop. Drop the mike. Walk off. Oh shit, here’s Caroline. David’s dressed like one of those guys in Venice, Italy who pilots a gondola. This kid is falling off. Tweens are screaming and readying their training bras to throw. I have to say it’s refreshing that no one’s doing the bar sing-a-long with him. So good, so good, SHUT THE F*CK UP! Get a new Theme To Being Shitfaced! Jesus, I should take a pill.

I feel that it’s very cruise ship, which is something Simon says. But the thing is, this whole show is very cruise ship. It’s unremarkable singers covering cruise-shippy songs.

Syesha’s up. She’s a living example of how far cute gets you. Neil Diamond requests a hug because he’s looking for some brown sugar. Syesha sings it very well, and she’s doing a Beyonce thing with her hair. She looks very pretty this evening. Is she barefoot? Damn, Amanda Overmyer probably spit he chaw on that stage Watch where you step.

The judges speak. Are you ready? Seriously? It’s Paula Time. She’s even consulting notes that are probably just drunk doodling of whiskery cat faces or To Do lists to remind her to pick up some more gin after the show. When she says to Jason “the first song…” I raise my fists in triumph! He only sang one! The best part is that she goes on and on about a second song. AND NO ONE STOPS HER AT FIRST. The singers just look at her blankly. If you freeze the screen, you will see a brief look on Syesha’s face like “what in the hell is this heffa talking about?” God bless you, Syesha, for registering some human emotion.

You may now watch the attached clip. I’ll wait.

How tremendous was THAT? Randy tries to help her out, and Paula goes to Jason “oh my god, I thought you sang twice.” Oh, girl. Paula yells that it’s hard. It’s not hard for me, I could watch drunken celebrities add fuel to the fire 24-7. She tries to cover up because she realizes she just revealed to America that either A) she’s a mess drinker (yes.) or B) she judges people ahead of time. Either way, she’s a hot mess. She tries to backtrack by saying she meant David Cook in regards to the “second song” but then says he did really well, which wasn’t what she said initially. I’m signing a petition to make sure Paula doesn’t get the help she needs until after
American Idol ends. Which should be sometime in 2077. We’ll stick it out. Because she makes this show.

Simon tells Brooke that she was a nightmare, and she SHAKES HER HEAD as if she doesn’t want to believe it. Bitch, believe it. Paula looked less awkward just now. Brooke is wearing some sort of silvery latex pants with a ruffled blue shirt. Ugh, do they dress themselves?

Simon admires a sigh saying he should be president. Jason Castro is actually performing his second song, Paula. Take more notes, honey. He does “September Morn,” which is not my thing. Randy’s wearing a lot of candy jewelry. Where does he buy these accessories? Jason gets flayed alive. He wishes he had packed that bowl with more herb.

David Cook’s up. He’s SO COCKY. He’s mugging at the audience and appearing very “yeah, I got this.” He might get a run for his money from that dopey little gay kid with the lunchbox. Someone went to the trouble (and cost) of having some sort of Canada Loves David Cook sign printed up. Paula goes a little too far and grants David the win. Easy there, Paula, we’ve still got some Coke and iPhones to sell. We gotta stretch this out.

Seacrest speaks to Brooke about her “nightmare.” She disagrees. He has to, or her head will fall off. Seriously, those pants are not aiding her. See, her deal is that she needs to sit at a piano and sing. That’s her genre. Don’t get up. Don’t try to rock out. And please don’t dance. I still think of that Beatles twirl and wince. Randy gives her good grades and she practically launches off the stage to bury her face in his moobs with gratitude. They must shoot her with a tranq dart when she comes off stage I can totally see her tearing the wallpaper off with her teeth when she gets a bad review.

The kindergartener Last Airbender fan lil’ guy does the America song and my nips aren’t perking like they usually do. So my nipples only perk for Neil Diamond? Can you blame them? Really? Paula tells him to have fun. What? Uh, he already sang. Does she mean the after party? Simon calls out his secretly conniving ass for singing that song. Maybe Kristy Lee Cook gave him some tips before she bought back her horse and rode back to Craptown.

Seacrest goes to the audience and tries to braid some little girl’s hair. If I didn’t know he was a big fag, I would be nervous. Her Mom is so trying to look lovely on camera. She’s even got her good side down. Syesha Mercado refreshes me by actually moving and trying to put a little blackness into her performance. Because this show is so damn white. It makes me feel Nubian.

Randy’s judgment makes no sense. Paula’s just happy with getting hers out without slurring too badly. Simon notes that this show is chaotic and strange. It did feel a little haphazard. I think Paula set the tone with the amount of Tuinals she swallowed before the show started. Simon thinks Syesha’s going home. I think Castro is, but I’ve never been right.

Next – Hopefully Paula stays classy. And by “classy”, I mean “inebriated.”