American Idol: Jason Castro Doesn’t Know The Words

May 7th, 2008 // 8 Comments

Previously – Brooke White bobbed her head to Neil Diamond in a desperate manner, and rightfully got bounced. And Paula Abdul drank/drugged herself into our hearts.

Seacrest IN! Seacrest talks his talk. Jason Castro might have done some windowpane because his eyes are all over the place. When Seacrest say his “this is…American Idol!” line, the red lights flash on and it looks like the contestants will be shot from the stage in a burst of drama!

The chick who played Meadow on The Sopranos is here tonight. She’s got nothing better to do. Paula’s wearing a springy yellow and probably on her best behavior tonight considering last week. Here come the contestants. Does lil’ David Archuleta have junior miss manboobs? If I asked him he’d probably giggle and sound like Goofy. How has Syesha Mercado made it this far? It’s ASTOUNDING how far pretty can get you. I wish I had some.

More Idol, after the jump!


The songs tonight will be taken from the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. Contestants pose moodily in front of a brick wall to illustrate this. Seacrest alludes to Paula being so damn high last week and telling them that there will be TWO SONGS, Paula. David Cook is doing “Hungry Like The Wolf.” That song made the Hall of Fame? That video is so hot. I love when the painted chick writhes on the swamp boat, moaning.

David Cook plays the crowd like a fiddle. He’s going to win this one. Paula Abdul is doing some kind of titty dance behind her desk. The people who have to sit behind her watching her jiggle her broke ass the whole show must want to die. She reminds me of your best friend’s drunk mother who always wanted to drink with “the kids.” Paula tells David Cook that his “Hungry Like The Wolf” leaves her with a “big appetite.” She wants him to put his penis straight up in her. Normally her appetite is usually for brightly colored pills.

Syesha looks shiny this evening. Well think about it, she’s the only lady left so she gets the full attention of the stylist and hairdresser. She has nice biceps, too. She acknowledges that she has fans and will meet them on the tour. Settle down, Eesha. Jessica Sierra felt the same way. Syesha is performing “Proud Mary”, which is a horrible mistake. A big, horrible mistake. Oh, and she’s doing the choreography. Tina Turner’s on the horn, trying to tell this bitch to quit it.

It’s actually not that bad. At least for Idol. Randy doesn’t mind it. Paula finds her magic. Syesha almost has to interrupt her ass so they can move on. She assures Simon that his opinion that she did a bad Tina Turner impression is “okay.” Paula slurs, “you’re a beautiful woman up there…” For real, the drunk mom who’s trying to get with you when your friend went to get more ice.

Seacrest plugs iTunes and swirls his tongue around in Steve Jobs’ buttcrack a little. He taunts Carly Smithson in the audience. Just belt him, bitch! Jason Castro’s up, and he’s a stoner extraordinaire who’s singing Bob Marley. And he literally says, “go figure” when he tells us that he’s doing Marley. He’s in on the weed jokes, people. He’s not that fried. Well, he is.

Castro lets his dreads down. And this is so bad. It feels like a bar on the beach and not even excessive amounts of rum can make this any good. I like reggae like I like vagina. The judges felt the same as I did. Even Paula gives him the business. Simon gives us “utterly atrocious.” He’s so stoned; he yells, “I was thinking Bob Marley. Yeah!” The audience loves him, but obviously none of them have ever lived with a pothead. Simon’s very, very upset. You would think that Jason keyed his car or something.

David Archuleta tells us how he sings “Stand By Me” by himself in his room, to his dog. Or when he’s masturbating to pictures of Zac Efron. Let’s be real. He’s really going for it. He’s making sure to offset the gay with some directing fake lust towards “all you beautiful girls” in the pit. Yeah, right. David’s Dad claps very forcefully with the same hands that he slaps David with if he messes up.

Randy feels like he was one of those “beautiful girls”, and sends David some love. Paula talks about seasoning and I think she wants something to eat. Pills can make you hongray. David admits that the judges’ faces scare him after he finishes singing. You and America, honey. Seacrest is literally massaging Archuleta on the stage as they go to commercial. Some tween girls are going to beat you down for that, you big mo’.

David and Seacrest chat. Cook agrees with the judges that his last song was ok. He’s doing “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who. And good luck. Yikes. He does the same thing that the judges just bitched at him for. He doesn’t rip off someone else’s “original” arrangement of the song. And I think he sings like three words. “Baba O”Reilly” is a looonng song. Paula wants more, more, more David Cook. Yeah, she ended her three-second ride on the wagon.

Seacrest is in the audience talking to some aging country band with Bon Jovi hair. Syesha is singing “A Change Is Gonna Come” and we see how serious she is about the song because they film her on a chaise lounge sunning herself and listening to an iPod. That’s very serious. Bitch is probably asleep! You know these kids are run ragged!

Syesha changed clothes. She’s going to a gala, and her boobies are her date! Randy pricks her balloon with a big hatpin. Paula gives her a standing ovation. She’s seriously drunk, which is bad because her drunken compliments have made Syesha cry. Though crying is a good move, America likes when girls cry. Paula is clutching her breasts and checking to make sure her pill stash is still in her bra cup. Ok, Simon, liked it. Mostly because Simon likes divas. He wants to wear that dress and belt a song out.

I think Jason might have gotten some laced shit, because he’s OUT OF IT this evening. He’s decided to “stick with the Bobs, you can’t go wrong.” He’s doing “Mr. Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan. Oh lordy. I think I’m getting a contact high. Isn’t that song ABOUT drugs? They film him using an iPod, and I see Seacrest is still giving Steve Jobs a rimjob. He totally forgets the words. Welcome to the Final Four, people. It actually doesn’t sound bad, but he’s going to get hammered. Carly Smithson gives him a standing “O”, probably because he cut her a deal on weed.

Castro is still dopey-bashful even while discussing not knowing the words. Randy realizes he’s not in the zone tonight and says he doesn’t know what’s going on. Marijuana! That’s what’s going on. You can’t let it run your life!

David Archuleta’s back. His breathy dopey a/v squad crap is getting to me. He’s doing Elvis’ “Love Me Tender.” This is going to get the 40-something broads at home to wet their couches. Thank Christ for slipcovers. Randy likes how David “caressed” the song. It’s getting creepy up in there. Seriously, David needs to leave the little lamb stuff at home. I’m over it. Ryan is touching him again. He should show someone on a doll where Seacrest has been touching him.

Next – I assume Castro’s going to be sent back to his living room to puff on his hookah.

By J. Harvey
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  1. Michelle

    J Harvey, I can always count on you for laughs. Your weekly Idol update is so funny I have to be sure I’ve gone pee recently before I read it! Love ya!!! Michelle

  2. Kelly

    You know what irritates me about Syesha? She said, “I’m doing Proud Mary by Tina Turner and it’s been covered over 100 times.” Does bitch know that John Fogerty wrote that song 2 years before Tina ‘covered’ it? Know you’re music.

  3. peachpie

    agreed

  4. peachpie

    yikes. let me clarify… agreed with Mr. Harvey…

  5. DruNken LauRen

    j. you are pretty enough for me….

    so don’t worry about chica

  6. Enid

    Dear J. Harvey:

    I hope you read these comments!

    I was on a boring road trip with a work colleague who was droning on, and I remembered this sentence from your recap, which caused me to spit out my coffee this morning:

    “He should show someone on a doll where Seacrest has been touching him.”

    I cracked up all over again, and said boring colleague thinks I’m crazy. Which is fine.

    Hilarious.

  7. Jasper J.

    J. Harvey, you do realise you are totally pathetic, right? Sure, you’re little fag-hags are rimming you with their comments, but let’s be honest… you’re not getting any, are you? Nuttin’. Small penis, right? In fact, in your picture you look like one of those pedos on the Interpol Most Wanted Sex Offenders list.

  8. Lawyer

    Funniest. Recap. EVER.

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