American Idol: David Vs. David

Previously – Syesha Mercado was asked to take her cute elsewhere.

Welcome to the gayest boxing-themed American Idol ever. That “let’s get ready to rumble” dude is here. Actually, anyone is preferable to Seacrest. The Davids are in boxing robes and gloves and bopping around. Can they actually fight each other? Preschool might win, he could bite an ankle and Smug is sort of a pretty boy. Seriously, this is the dorkiest goddamn thing. Just give Preschool the crown already. You know he’s going to take it.

All of this season’s castoffs are in the audience. Amanda Overmyer just stubbed out a cigarette on her boot and hopefully threw it at Kristy Lee Cook. What the f*ck is that chick wearing? Is that seriously a body shirt with strategic holes cut out of it? 80s queen! Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Helen Hunt!

More Idol, after the jump!

Luke Perry’s here with his kids! He better be in the 90210 sequel! Ok, Shannen Doherty better be in it, let’s get real. Seacrest finally shows up. He’s taking applause votes, and Archuleta gets more. Paula’s pretty in pink sequins and I’m sure she accessorized by drinking Pink Ladies. Yummers!

Why is boxing analyst Jim Lampley here? These bitches are more likely to kick and scratch and cry! The Davids will sing three songs each. David Archuleta can barely talk. He’s had too many animal crackers. David Cook seems a little done with this shit. He wants to move on and start nailing groupies in his tour bus.

Clive Davis (Whitney Houston’s sponsor) and Andrew Old Webber are here. They give some sort of advice. Seriously, the boxing analogy is lame as hell. I don’t even like this shit when the Olympics are on. Just show me male gymnasts in very tight stretch pants.

Preschool sounds sorta like Michael Jackson. He just wants to climb trees and grow up to jock-check the kiddies. Randy gives some bullshit advice. Someone rouses Paula to speak. Syesha Mercado is in a hair salon somewhere talking about how “I could outsing those two tired-ass cakeboy bitches any day! Damn, Keisha! You cut me!” The Davids lav each other’s taints. I don’t need to endure this, but it’s definitely giving Seacrest a rod.

Seacrest wants these two to fight it out with some sort of nude tickle fight, I’m convinced. Ten years from now, Archuleta’s going to be up on molestation charges and he’s going to claim that it all stemmed from Seacrest touching his no-no place one time. Clive Davis is very old and tired from dealing with Whitney Houston’s crack fits. David Cook is singing first. Clive chose his song. He gives this whole bullshit reason for giving Cook U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. He chose “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” for Preschool, because you can sing “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me” to it. I stole that from Lady Bunny.

Andrew Lloyd Webber wants Preschool to keep his eyes open. What is going on with these men? Cook sings, and goes into the audience. Paula grabs for his package. There are some sluts in the audience, shaking their tatters. Cook is so enamored of himself that he probably jacks off to mirrors. Don’t you hate those guys? I’ve known a few.

Paula feels that David Cook has arrived. Bitch, he’s been here since the show started. Right in front of you. Drunkass! Here’s David Archie. He’s sitting on stairs in a spotlight. I feel like I’m at a high school musical. No, not the one with the kid in the makeup and the girl who doesn’t trim her hedges.

David Archuleta’s dad is wearing a scalley cap to hide the scar on his head from where the Idol producers had to lobotomize his scary ass. David starts tearing up when the judges go sick for his performance. Some girl in the audience wants Preschool as a prom date. Bitch, all he drinks is Nestlé’s Quik, what kind of fun is that going to be at the after party? Paula says she has chills up and down her arms and then she starts massaging herself. Is she in withdrawal? Someone give her a pill stat, before she goes GIa on us. Paula says the sun is never going to go down on him because she will first.

I think Archuleta knows he’s going to win because he wants his blanky to sob into and he’s wetting his diaper. In the next round, oh, Christ, get out of here, Jim Lampley! Shut up! Andrew Lloyd Webber is nervous because Smug’s voice is a little iffy at rehearsal. If I have to see one more dramatic shot of these two dicks leaning against walls, I will end it.

Here’s Cook. He’s signing some Visionquest you can’t climb the peg wall Matthew Modine until you believe in yourself song. He’s helped by a lot of flashing lights. Cook is wearing a little star choker. It’s very Bratz. Yeah, Archuleta is going to win. Simon tells him he’s lame. Cook doesn’t give a shit. He’s already a star in his head.

Here’s the lil’ guy. The ladies love this child. It’s sorta sick, because it feels very Mary Kay Letourneau. Archuleta’s singing some inspirational lift yourself off the couch and follow your dreams song. No thanks. The only song I like in this vein is Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway.” Why? Because I’m a homosexual, that’s why. Is he going to cry again? There’s Syesha. I guess her weave was all set and she came from the hair salon. David Archuleta looks like he’s there to save Santa Claus and Jesus is about to tell him whether he succeeded or not.

It’s time for Gookie Cookie. Andrew Lloyd Webber wants the boys to emit cries of passion. Easy there, Andy. Cook’s doing Collective Soul and Archuleta’s doing “Imagine.” Gee, I wonder who’s going to win? Cook tries, but he’s literally thinking about what his album cover should look like. He start crying because bitch knows he didn’t win and I guess it does sorta faze him a bit. Paula tells him that he’s standing in his truth. Is that like standing in her sick? Simon tells David he’s a nice guy, but he should have sung “Billie Jean?” What? Simon, what the f*ck are you talking about? “Billie Jean?” The audience loves when he tells Simon off. Simon does too because he winks at him. Hmm hmm. There’s still time if you wanna win, Cookie.

Here’s where Archuleta takes the win. Wait, no, he’s shaky. No, he’s got it. He emphatically points during the song. We get it, you’re a dreamer. Randy gives him the win. That girl with the “prom date” sign needs to settle down and try Adult Friend Finder. Simon feels that Preschool has it in the bag. We all do. My dead grandmother does. Anyway, tune in tonight to see if he thanks his Buzz Lightyear doll if he wins. He better win or Daddy’s going to get crazy with the fists and someone will have to call DSS! Then again, it’s Utah. They can probably just beat him at some deserted polygamy compound and the world never has to know.

Next – Imagine David Archuleta winning…