American Idol: Mariah Carey And Kristy Lee Cook Team Up To Destroy Us All

Previously – America hates Australia and voted Michael Johns off. It’s ok, because he’s enjoying Whynattes.

Seven is going to be someone’s unlucky number tonight. There’s a weird tendency toward gold lame this evening. Syesha looks like Marilyn McCoo, and Kristy Lee Cook looks like your worst nightmare about a possibly Aryan Nation.

What’s with the dramatic pausing, Seacrest? Cut the shit. David Archuleta looks like Daddy’s going to pull out the strap and whip him if he doesn’t make it tonight. We have some celebs in the audience. Minnie Driver’s there, pregnant and still not naming the daddy. Teri Hatcher brought her medically enhanced visage into the auditorium, and is going to scare people into messing up the lyrics. But the hottest celebrity is behind Teri. Isn’t that the fat kid from Head of the Class? Glamorous! Howard Hesseman is my homeboy.

More Idol, after the jump!

Seacrest mentions the Michael Johns upset. Everyone was shocked that his ass got tossed. Didn’t Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts have any star power to keep his ass there? They should have organized their people. Paula looks slightly pretty tonight in Barney-colored taffeta, and the hair looks kempt. Did she detox? Simon gets the most applause, which always stuns me because his sour ass also gets the most boos. The American public is full of masochism.

MARIAH CAREY?!?!? Hello, LAMBS! Yeah, yeah, Seacrest, we know about her five-octave range. Damn, you know he has a Mariah outfit deep in his closet beside his sexuality. Mariah has surpassed Elvis Presley for having the most #1 hits. This crazy bitch brought her dog. She is totally out of her damn mind. Mariah tells us that she feels weird judging, so she wants the singers to just look at her like it’s a friend who sings for a living and writes songs occasionally. Oh that is so not what this is about. You know Mariah wouldn’t even acknowledge the existence of these victims when the cameras weren’t rolling except to tell them to stop breathing her air.

Mariah looks strangely mottled this evening. The Mystic Tan sprayer had a blockage. She talks about how she might be seeing the American Idol singers at the top of the charts in the future. As long as they don’t surpass her ass, then a bitch will get cut and thrown in a trash compactor and possibly fed to her dog. Her dog that is currently constructing a sign out of Milk Bones that says “GET ME AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY HEFFA!”

Seacrest asks the judges how they will handle the judging tonight. Wow, I don’t know. Randy will sound like a dullard, Paula will slump over the judging table and Simon will act like he’s on the rag. Don’t you host this mess? I guess they don’t want to use Mariah as a comparison when considering the performances. Good luck, Mariah will probably dance out during the songs in an incredibly clingy dress and make sure the audience knows was here first. David Archuleta acknowledges that meeting Mariah was really scary. I know, she’s terrifying. Just go play with your Matchbox cars or curl up with a bottle and she’ll go away eventually.

Mariah is working some kind of British accent. Christ, Madonna, Britney, and now Mariah. What is this weird trend? Mariah tells David he can go up into his falsetto and she “wouldn’t be mad at ya.” Thank you for the power of free well, Mimi. Stop controlling me! Mariah has a pink Band-Aid on her hand. You know the dog was trying to get away from her Electric Youth perfume.

Is David wearing pleather pants? I have some of those. They don’t fit anymore. SHUT UP! He can sing but this song is bland like oatmeal. Mariah is always writing about the miracles and crap. Can someone sing about hating their job, and wishing they had a better TV? I find a shared experience is way more inspirational than unicorns, butterflies and believing in each other.

The audience loved his third grade play ass. Teri Hatcher is right behind Randy and her jacked-up face is burning a hole through the back of his dopey head. Seriously, they’re keeping her blurred so my Panasonic doesn’t say “f*ck this” and quit. Randy was worried about guys singing girls’ songs. What does that mean? God, masculine/feminine, shut up, dick! Simon lets us know he had a #1 with David’s song in the UK. We get it, you’re successful. Good lord. David reveals that his Dad starves him until he sings well. Why does his life seem like he might end up as a storyline on Law & Order: SVU?

Carly Smithson’s up. Carly admits that it’s really boring without Michael Johns. Apparently, the others are tedious. Either that or she was sleeping with him. Austrireland! Irealia! Mariah watches Carly sing, and you can see in her eyes that she’s all “this bitch ain’t shit.” Carly sings Mariah. I rouse myself to get some Diet Pepsi and a Ring-Ding because I like Carly, but I’m not into Mariah that big.

The audience tonight is feisty. I think Minnie Driver’s unborn baby has sparked enthusiasm. Probably because everyone’s wondering who knocked her ass up. Mariah has no concept of range or depth or tone because bitch isn’t a singer. So she just babbles something from her nest of purple. She also makes sure to name-drop Mariah because she wants a spot in a video or perhaps an invite to that kick-ass penthouse in NYC. Seriously, her closets are actual rooms.

Seacrest shills iTunes. Are they all going to sing slow songs? I want to hear some “Shake It Off.” I want one of these people to actually dress like her in a tight tube dress and sign into a dog-shaped microphone while using a Stairmaster in high heels. Mariah this up! Mariah gives Syesha some pointers, and it’s so painfully evident that Mariah could blow all these children out of the water. It must be hot to get a singing lesson from Mariah Carey. Syesha looks very pretty this evening, despite that dress.

Paula stands her drunk ass up and manages not to fall over. She’s still kissing Mariah’s ass, and it’s obvious. Teri Hatcher is making sure her face hasn’t fallen off behind them. Seriously, she can probably take it off at this point, wash it, dry it, and then clip it back on. Plastic surgery creates convenience. Does it mean more marketing shoved down out throats as the contestants drop off? Looks like.

Seacrest is speaking with the increasingly deranged Brooke White. Even her hair is getting crazier. The bigger it gets, the more mental she gets. Brooke missed her sister’s wedding. Uh, couldn’t you fly over for the night? Fox is evil. Bitch should have re-scheduled her wedding. This is American Idol! Seacrest cares about this sad tale for about a nanosecond, and then it’s on with Mariah. The sad news is that her family couldn’t even find a place to make a cardboard cutout of Brooke to have at the wedding. That’s weird and cheesy, but that’s kind of a kick in the head. Not even your cardboard representation could make the wedding. This whole incident probably made her more mental and she’s going to talk to the judges even more and make odd faces.

Brooke is singing “Hero.” Ok, I know this song. It’s the song I picture playing when I embrace orphans and put out fires in old people’s kitchens. She’s crazy off key, it sounds like. The audience knew it, too. Even Teri Hatcher’s daughter didn’t like it, she’s like “can we visit Eva Longoria now?” She’s talking to the judges again! SHUT UP! Paula loves her authenticity. Paula’s also dragging and Simon notes it. Rohypnol does this. Simon tells her that she’s a hamburger without a bun. That’s why he’s third; he needs to craft lines like that. Brooke White looks at him like he just told her green is actually yellow and 2+2 is window. Ok, now she looks mad. She’s going to snap and pull a gun out of her dress one of these days. Paula’s crossed her sobriety line and starts talking about how good Ryan and Brooke look onstage together. Ok, he’s gay and she’s crazy. That would totally work in a friendship but not so much in a love connection.

Oh here she is. Friggin’ Kristy Lee Cook. Mariah just writes the same song over and over again. Kristy gave Mariah Carey goose bumps, and Mariah lays a trap for her when she says that she sings it better than her. Instead of dropping to her knees and begging forgiveness and protesting, she merely thanks her. Kristy Lee Cook might be the most conniving bitch to ever take the Idol stage, but she is no match for Mimi. Mimi will remember this moment and make sure Kristy can’t even get a job singing at the 4H hog-calling event five years from now.

Paula recognizes that Kristy is full of plans to dominate my hatred. Even when she’s taken every pill in the cabinet, Paula has a sort of drugged intuition. And she’s still going long and dropping Mariah’s name. Maybe she just wants to meet the dog. Simon wasn’t feeling Mariah’s goose bumps over Kristy. Good. He calls her “whiny.” HAH! I see her as more “scheming” than “whiny,” but I’ll take it.

Seacrest is in the audience with Ramiele and he notes that she’s pathetic and won’t leave. That’s nice. David Cook’s actually doing “Always Be My Baby.” Mariah likes his male perspective. She thinks he can make her ass some more money. You have enough! David Cook actually makes me listen, so I’ll give him that. I am so sick of the soaring power ballads about trust and magical kingdoms and cloudy days! Thank you for switching it up. You’re still cocky and annoying though, despite your health scare.

Randy gives him a standing O. Maybe they can share a spliff backstage. Paula’s talking about movies, and gardening or something. Even Simon loved it. Paula needs to sit her purple Barney ass down. Is David crying? Did someone wake up out of a coma? Oh that must be his brother with the cancer in the audience. Ok, ok, I repute this entire paragraph. Hey, I had cancer! I can still be snarky! Christ, I hate real life.

Seacrest destroys a sign that says “Simon For President.” Jealous bitch. Simon didn’t use enough lube last night, and Ryan’s still raw over it. Literally. Jason Castro’s high ass endures Mariah. I hope he smoked the kind bud to deal with her. Is he off, or have I just had my fill of Mariah and I can’t take anymore of her songs? Paula wants to go to Jason’s luau. She wants to drink vodka out of a coconut shell and chase it with some Black Beauties. Run, Jason, run. Paula reaches the apex of her highness and starts directing who gets the beef. Paula, honey? Time to get into the limo and go home. Someone rouse Paula. Thanks!

Next – Well, Mariah Carey’s out of there and hopefully Kristy Lee Cook is, too. But she won’t be. Because GOD HATES ME.