Jessica Alba To Officially Make Cash Warren’s Life A Living Hell Until Eventual Divorce

December 27th, 2007 // 4 Comments

Photos: Bauer-Griffin Online

A pregnant Jessica Alba is confirming that she’s engaged to sperm donor Cash Warren. She’s been sighted flailing around a big ole’ rock that she probably paid for herself. Her publicist is officially confirming the engagement. No other details are known. For instance, will they get married before or after the birth? Will that baby be a bastard? She did say she didn’t want to be pregnant in a dress. Does Cash have any say in the wedding? Will Jessica NOT make Fantastic Four 3 and spare us all the torture? Why did they split up in July and get knocked up in August? What was the thought process there? Did she get her way with some ex sex is the best sex? Didn’t this guy not want to get married? This shit happens on the soaps ALL the time. For all we know, she slipped him some roofies in his beer and went to town on his organ. In this movie, Jessica is the evil movie star keeping Cash from his true love – that receptionist who works for Jessica’s publicist. The one Jessica keeps trying to fire because Cash is “looking at her too much”. Ok, I am TOTALLY making this shit up but ho is withholding the details of the engagement and the wedding and conjecture’s the only trick left in my bag.

Photos: WENN

By J. Harvey
asl

  1. Darth Paul

    “Will that baby be a bastard?”

    LMAO, J!!!! (Between us, it’s first name is “Straitahell”)

  2. PinkWeenie

    I love that you hate this chick because so do I and to read you whale on her (yes “whale” – look it up) just tickles my weenie pink.

    It’s going to be a fun 9 months hahaa..

  3. PinkWeenie

    Or 5 months. Whatever.

  4. Why? Why Jessica? Why do you make me jealous?

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