A Stripper and A Whore

By J. Harvey

Previously – Trashy people acted trashy.

Morning. Flavor, Nibblz and Toasteee lounge about in Flav’s bed. Nibblz says that waking up with the other two was a “wonderful feeling”. Like scabies is a wonderful feeling, or Chlamydia. Nibblz thinks that it’s going to be an “interesting day”. Toasteee camera-stanks that she doesn’t want to share Flav with anyone. Nibblz and her speech impediment better watch their backs.

Flavor-gram! The girls find out that the next challenge involves dancing! One of the hoes reads the Flavorgram whilst wearing what appears to be a bikini top. It’s 10 AM and there is no decorum up in this bitch. Flav camera-seizures that he wants to make sure that his girl can dance so that “this” (cut to footage of Brigitte Nielsen dancing like a tall Nordic ancient junkie onstage at a PE concert with Chuck D. in the background weeping or vomiting or perhaps cocking a pistol to use on either Ms. Nielsen or himself) never happens again. A rare lucid moment for Flav.

Flav jacks ANTM’s swagger by recruiting Tommy the Clown to teach the girls how to be krump dancers. Hey, it worked for Miss Sassy. I saw her at the Madge concert. There’s also a hip hop dancer chick and a break dancer one there to show some moves. Buckeey is excited because she knows “she can do that”. *snicker* Good luck, Princess Weave-A-Lot. They break up into groups of three to get some lessons. Krazy is annoyed that she has to work with the gender bending Deelishis, but she knows she has to win this challenge to spend some time with Flav. Can you hear the desperate cry for help? I can.

First group to practice includes Like Dat (Rubenesque loudmouth), Buckwild (vanilla faux-ghetto broad), and Beutuful, a somewhat shy lass who does us all a favor by remaining fairly quiet and not embarrassing herself too much. Like Dat and Buckwild both think the other can’t dance. And they’re damn straight. The flailing going on is alarming and someone’s going to lose an eye. Their poor teacher merely says “ok” after witnessing their spasming, and secretly wishes she hadn’t left Soul Train to go freelance.

Meanwhile in the bedroom turned dance studio, Tommy the Clown attempts to teach. And we witness Toastee pulling off her best peeler bar moves. Seriously, there’s a lot of leg spreading and bouncing of pelvis and if I wasn’t queer before. Buckeey says that she thinks Toasteee wants to be “on the pole”. She’s got a point. I’m guessing Toasteee has seen plenty of poles in her lifetime.

More of J. Harvey’s “Flavor of Love” recap after the jump.

In another part of the cathouse, the three remaining hoochies hooch. Deelishis camera-trannies that Nibblz is the only black girl in the house who can’t “shake her tail feather”. Now, if she means the only girl who can’t dance, she’s dead wrong. Most of these girls can’t dance. I know people with cerebral palsy who can bust out better moves than these sluts. Nibblz is rhythmically challenged though, but she makes up for it by once again showing off her nipples. How many see-through tops does this flasher own? Nibblz camera-kimonos that she was given orders and couldn’t follow them well and had to fight off a panic attack just to get through rehearsal. Then she ends with “yeah”. She could care less. She knows her nipples are going to win this one for her. By the way, where’s their teacher? She probably came to her senses and fled after seeing this full body dry heave mess and smelling all that chicken grease on Flav’s fingers. *shudder*

The krumpers are on first and Ms. Buckeey climbs out of her clown car and steals the show. Toasteee tries to upstage her by showing just how high and wide she can spread her legs but to no avail. I feel like Buckeey’s proud mama and my baby shined when she thrust out her crotch and then ripped her halter-top off to the crowd’s delight.

Next up are Nibblz and her Tourette’s crew. In place of actual dancing, they put on a show that wouldn’t have looked out of place down at Kitten City. Lots of asses popping, and hands in hair and then some impromptu lap dancing. I know Toasteee was gnashing her teeth in jealousy for not making it on that team. Like Dat camera-bisexuals that “hell no, it ain’t going down like dat”. Oh I think it already did, Tank Girl.

And next is Ebony and Ivory+1. Buckwild says that even if they don’t win, they’re going to make a video anyways because they’re so hot. If hot means mannish, and dancing like you just got uncrucified. And they BREAK OUT. They had me wincing. Ouch. Seriously, I’m thinking some bones got broken. Like Dat repeatedly slaps her ample ass and it would be funny if it wasn’t so unfunny. And there’s nothing more saddening than when a homely white girl like Buckwild camera-ignorants that “our ass lost fo sho!”*sigh*

Krumpers and strippers face off. Dance-off. Stand-off. Girls battle individually. Can they use loaded weapons instead of dance moves? Now that would be hot. Deelishis and Toasteee wage a battle of vulva lips as they split and stretch and jiggle and these women are LIMBER. And any man would be lucky to have them. Bootz camera-envies that Toasteee splits a “little too good”. Dude, wasn’t being able to nail a split a requirement to get up in there? Is she new here?

Krazy does kind of a Hindu love goddess bit, with some head weaving and torso undulating, Like Dat said she looked “crazy” (duh) and like “Skeletar”. Who I assume is Skeletor’s alcoholic cousin? Why is Like Dat making up Masters of the Universe characters? She-Ra should trounce that uppity bitch. Buckeey got up in Nibblz’ area and smacked her ass. Nibblz responded by realizing she can’t dance, and shoving her netherworld in Flav’s face to the horror of others. What if every dance recital ended that way? With vaginas in faces? Flav, perhaps recalling Somethin’ and her tendency to leave fecal calling cards, didn’t want anything to do with Nibblz’ booty in his grill. As he wasn’t sure what “might come out her ass”. Normally, I’d be repulsed at the crassness but he might have a point. Flav picks the winners by spinning really fast and then pointing which is how they should decide the next presidential election.

Krazy, Nibblz and Deelishis will be going out on dates with Flav. Later some of the girls booze and toast to not being whores. Uh, ok, sure. I’m interested to see how they define “whore”. And if they’re not whores, what’s an actual whore like? The mind boggles.

Krazy gets all dressed up in a black evening dress, and Flav takes her ass to KFC. For a candlelight dinner. Krazy says being taken to a KFC was a “once in a lifetime” thing. Was this bitch raised by wolves? Flav asks her if she’s attracted to him and she sorta avoids the question and says she’s happy and Flav, remember you look like Halloween in the ghetto. Flav tells Krazy that she needs to make him see that she’s different from the other girls.

The other ladies bitch and moan in the pool. Flav and Krazy hit the hot tub, and a wet Flav is almost grosser than dry Flav. Meanwhile Toasteee stirs the shit by insinuating that Nibblz might have used hand or mouth on Flav. She is interrogated closely by the other alley cats and tries to demonstrate the sound she heard by splashing water. What the hell was Nibblz doing to him if it sounded like that? What kind of exchange of fluids makes that noise? I’m worried.

Nibbz splashes up onto Flav for breakfast. She shows the nips again. Nibblz responds to Flav’s questions about her superior booty-shaking skills by telling him that she has
” a pole in her living room”. Heh. This doesn’t shock me. Now does one have that installed or can you rent an apartment that’s no pets, 2BR, EIK, and stripper pole incl.? While relaying the info about the pole, she also throws in that she’s done some “nude modeling”. What nude modeling would have to do with ass-shaking, I don’t know but I think it was just her trying to lay the groundwork for a “well, I already told you I nude modeled, I just didn’t say it was in Barely Legal Piss Drinkers”. And I’m tired of seeing this girl’s chest pixellated. And she camera-protrudes about how the breakfast was “so charming”. Hmm, yes – talking about the stripper pole in your living room over fresh fruit and eggs benedict is the essence of charm and civility.

Flav and Deelishis leave for their date. Bootz tells Nibblz what Toasteee’s been saying about her and the girl who just told us that she’s done nude modeling and has a stripper pole up in her den is “shock, appalled and offended’ that someone thinks she might have touched a penis. Me too, sweetie. Bootz camera-dramas about how she interrogated Nibblz and relates that “I just axed her – Nibblz, did you *beep* off Flav?” And if I had a dollar for every time I’ve asked that question. Bootz is a goddamn infiltration expert. The CIA should hire her for undercover work, or interrogation. She could probably find Osama if she felt that he would be coming in between her and Flav. Flav takes Deelishis to pick strawberries. They’re both in red. And it’s the “sweetest thing”. I can’t tell if she’s post-op or not. I can’t peep the Adam’s apple. Flav treats her to spaghetti and meatball picnic with champagne. Flav spills that he has connected to both Deelishis and Krazy. And it’s funny when Deelishis tells us that she knew right then that Krazy would be someone she couldn’t trust in the future. Yeah because before that I’m sure she thought these are the girls who would be donating their vital organs to her if need be. Please.

Nibblz confront Toasteee by the pool, and asks her what a *beep* sounds like. Well, apparently it sounds like the ocean. Toasteee swears she heard something and splits. And Nibblz tells us that she knows all Toasteee’s secrets and making an enemy of her was stupid. Nibblz rolls up on Flav who is playing an organ and it actually sounds good. I’m jarred out of my contempt for two seconds. Nibblz is there to backstab a bitch. Flav imitates Nibblz’ lisp and we learn that Toasteee does porn. HAH! Nibblz thinks that Flav might not appreciate that. Bitch, are you high? Toasteee just won! Nibblz cries and says that she didn’t want to be the girl to gossip. Yes you did.

Flav staggers over to Toasteee’s alcove, and she denies she’s a porn queen. And that she’s just a nude model. She swears she isn’t. Flav staggers back for the re-check and Nibblz lets us know that you can find Toasteee aka Natalia on VHS and the Internet. There’s a joke about her not being able to qualify for a DVD in there somewhere but I’m sure Michael over at DListed already made it. That bitch is quick.

Toasteee shows up and it’s on. And I’m thinking the Toastmaster General is lying through her crack-smoked teeth. Flav says that he will find out who’s lying. Buckeey camera-hens that she knew Toasteee was a stripper and a whore but porn never crossed her mind. Uh, isn’t that the next logical step? Who stops at whore? Toasteee realizes she’s going to be caught by her lies and does the stroll over to Flav’s room again to quit. And cry. This bitch is one bad actress. I think she might do ALL the porn.

Elimination. Krazy is so self-involved. She thinks she might have to leave because of the Toastee/Nibblz controversy. Get over yourself, J. Ho. And she’s the first one to get a clock. Deelishis is a guy. I’m convinced. My boyfriend hates this show but looked over and said so. He knows these things. Clocks are passed out. Nibblz says she’s so nervous that her heart is pounding right out of her chest and she can see it through her gown. No honey, those are your nipples.

The decision is made when Flavor Flav flashes a photo of Toasteee letting her fingers do the walking. Ewwww. Toasteee keeps trying to deny that it’s porn, and Like Dat camera-conservatives that “girl had her fingers where a girl’s fingers ain’t supposed to be unless you washin” Oh please, like this broad has never been to exploring her triangular mystery digitally. Stop lying. And stop judging! Without masturbation, we’d have a lot more highway snipers. Toasteee aka Jennifer cries a lot and makes some excuses and she’s a really bad actress. Like Tara Reid playing a scientist is more convincing. Buckeey wants kudos from the viewing audience for guessing that Toasteee was a stripper and a whore. I’ll give it to her. Can someone hit me with a truck before I have to watch this shit again? Please? Anyone?