2009 Celebrity Heartbreaks

December 28th, 2009 // 2 Comments

Ohh, 2009 was definitely a year of heartbreaks for celebrities, so grab a martini (or two) and commiserate as we look back at these flames that burned out in the last year.

Let’s begin with the ultimate orange mess that is Katie Price. First, she started off the year by ending her marriage with the only guy that matches her in orange-ness, and who actually seemed to be a relatively stable presence in her life. And did you really think either Katie Price or Peter Andre could bow gracefully out of their marriage without bad-mouthing each other in the media? No, of course not.

While Peter took a slightly higher road, opting not to party and instead care for their children, Katie went out, got shit-faced. and found her self a cross-dressing, ultimate fighter! His name was Alex Reid. I’m sure it still is, but the past tense is used because just as soon as this new couple bloomed, they wilted, dramatically, as Katie ended their short-lived relationship LIVE on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Always a class act, that one.

LeAnn Rimes and her husband, whatshisface, broke up after LeAnn got horny while making a Lifetime movie and slept with the uber-dimply Eddie Cibrian. Oh yeah, and Eddie Cibrian was married, too. Good luck in that beautifully,  screwed up relationship, you bunch-a-cheaters!

And then there was Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley. These two crazy Canadians have been married since 2006, and separated this past September. But my guess is unless you are stuck in 2000 or whenever it was that either of these two were last relevant, you could care less.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright saddened the world (but not necessarily shocked the world) when they announced they were ending their thirteen year marriage. This was like, what, the third time Robin filed for divorce? So as sad as this news was, it’s kinda like, yah, just get it over with, guys. And 2009 was clearly the year to do so.

Jessica Simpson got dumped by Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Two dumb, yet attractive people break up. I’m gonna go ahead and not get to broken up about this one. HA! Get it? Broken up? The whole theme of this post? Oh, FML.

More 2009 Celebrity Splits after the jump.


Porcupine head Kate Gosselin and her trashy, d-bag husband Jon Gosselin filed for divorce after eight children
and an annoying TLC reality show. Jon started acting like an 18 year
old, grew man boobs, and started smoking like a chimney, while Kate
opted for book tours. The only losers in this break-up are the adorable
eight children that have to spend the rest of their lives as spawns of
these two freaks.Underaged, crotch-grabbing Miley Cyrus and her random, model boyfriend Justin Gaston called it quits
this year and whined about it on Twitter through sappy tidbits from
love songs. I remember those painful high school break ups, but my
version of Twitter was subjecting all 14 friends on my buddy list to
reading my depressing aim away messages. Ah, those were the days.Our go-to hot mess, the one and only Lindsay Lohan finally ended that god-awful train wreck of a relationship with Samantha Ronson.
All accounts pretty much name Sam as the one who had the balls to end
it, and we can all assume there isn’t enough coke in the world to numb
Lindsay’s nose back to happiness. I swear she dyes her hair with that
shit now. Usher divorced that random lady that nobody really knew anything about. Other than the fact that she was supposedly going to join the cast of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, we know as much about her as Jon Gosselin knows about having a legit job. After two children, apparently Usher and Tameka Foster
are co-parenting quite nicely and offering the children a civil
atmosphere to grow up in. As unbelievable as it sounds, I’m quite
pleased. Finally, the absolute saddest of break ups in 2009 had to be the December split of Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon.
These two celebrities seem as close to normal as possible, and the many
photos we were able to ogle at this year featuring Jake playing with
Reese’s children makes this break up even harder to accept. As all reps
are required to announce, both reps for Jake and Reese insist the break
up was amicable, they remain friends and all that crap. I’ll be the
first to say, I really had these two pegged for longevity and
greatness. *Sigh*

By Bailey Edwards
asl

  1. Adler

    …you forgot the biggest one thought it was the quietest….Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

  2. thank god it is over

    The absolute happiest of break ups in 2009 had to be the December end of Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon’s fauxmance.

    Boring PR sham is over, no more arranged photo ops and stupid tabloid fiction.

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